It is so interesting to think how life could throw you in a curve ball on the most unexpected time. I started the year hopeful and ready to face every challenge that the universe will throw at me. I bought separate planner for work and for my blog and just life as a whole. I equipped myself with vision boards and set my goals for the year. I even have habit tracker to get me to do the nice and productive things that I needed to do. I gathered self-improvement books, podcasts, journals, self-care tutorials, all that jazz that goes with character building and self-development. I thought I was ahead of my game.
Until it caught me again.
- I become uncomfortable even if there is nothing to worry about. There is no big event coming up or nothing to stress about but it hits me out of nowhere and my heartbeat thumps up and my hands are shaking. There is no explanation. It’s just is and it is hard. It is uncomfortable.
- Mornings are hard. I wake up feeling exhausted and not wanting to get out of bed. There are days when I wake up just to feed my growling stomach.
- I tend to hate myself for crying over a small stupid thing that I did.
- I got paranoid easily over a small detail. I worry and think too much. Everybody tells me to relax but I just can’t.
- Fear is always creeping in. Activities that I find interesting in the past seems so terrifying to me now. I’m afraid I might fail them which makes me so nervous most of the time.
This is my life lately… It’s an internal struggle and it is exhausting especially when you know that it’s all in the mind.
My heart may be racing most of the time but here are the things I accomplished lately while I mask everything with a smile:
- Moved in to a much bigger and home-y apartment.
- Enrolled in Law School, yet again.
- Successfully closed a project and got rewarded for it.
- Somebody randomly DM-ed me on Twitter saying that I inspired her. It was one of my dreams to inspire other people and I did not expect to have it ticked off my bucket list while I’m also struggling inside.
And probably the biggest achievement I did was to…. just simply breathe and survive.